Mother’s Day approaches, the first one after my mother’s passing. It is a strange feeling not to be looking at cards and finding just the right one to get in the mail on time. Next month it will be a year. Strange how time goes on without our help.
What should I be feeling? Should I be overcome with sadness? Should I still be angry with her for dying? Is it all no big deal?
My parents and I have lived 600 miles apart for over 20 years. We settled into an easy relationship with visits back and forth a couple times a year and phone calls each month. Seemingly distant to some, but it was comfortable for us.
My Mom and I had a good relationship. Was she the perfect Mom or I the perfect daughter? No. But while there are some things I would try and do differently given the chance (mostly calling more), I can truly say I have no regrets with my Mom.
My Mom taught me many things (besides how to bake a cake and crochet). She taught me resilience and faithfulness. She was an example of plain old “get through it” when times are hard. I think that’s why her death was a shock – she had survived so much (heart problems – had to be shocked back into rhythm twice, breast cancer – with two recurrences, lung problems, arthritis, fibromyalgia) that somehow I had come to believe she would live in this world forever.
My daughter has taken to asking me if I will be here when she is old, or just the other night she asked if I would be alive when she has kids, since she’s the youngest of my three children. We figured it up and when she’s 24 (the age she suggested), I’ll be 63 – so I felt pretty confident in assuring her that I would be around to be the grandmother to her children.
So, how do I feel? I find that I still vacillate between sadness and acceptance. Most of the time life goes on and I honestly don’t give it much thought. But at times, especially right now, I find myself easily brought to tears and my emotions seem a bit on edge. So, I guess it’s a process and yes, I do miss my Mom – some days more than others. This Mother’s Day will be a mixture of emotions – just like a woman.