Once is Enough
1989 |
I am in the stage of life where I have friends and family losing spouses. Sometimes under tragic circumstances, others to illness, and always sad. Seeing them go through this, and knowing my father-in-law was only 64 when he died, has made me more aware that I have no guarantees of a long life ahead with my husband. This does not mean that I live in fear or with a sense of impending loss, but I do choose (usually) to put aside the petty annoyances (does the television really have to be that loud?) and enjoy, cherish, and hold on to the present day.
With a good chance that he will pass before me and I will face life without him, I have contemplated what might happen next. A common theme that I seem to hear is that a person “deserves to be happy” which apparently can only happen with a significant other in their life. Multiple movies show widows and widowers, and divorcees finding their deserved happiness once more. Elsa and Fred; And So It Goes; Something’s Gotta Give; and Grumpy Old Men are just a few that I’ve watched and enjoyed.
A close cousin in our family lost her husband a little over a year ago. It was a long and difficult journey as she lost him a little at time over several years to a debilitating disease. Within six months of his passing the nudges were already being made that she should think about dating. Why? If she chooses to do that of course I will support her, but why do others assume she needs someone else in her life to feel complete, to be happy?
When I tell others that I have no intention of marrying again or finding a significant other should my husband predecease me, I get the knowing nods (like, we’ll see about that). Maybe I will change my mind, but what’s wrong with that intention? Can’t I be content with one great love in my life?
I wonder if that thought of needing to have a “significant other” comes from a subconscious fear that we are not “enough” in and of ourselves?
I don’t know what my future holds, but I do know that I get to choose what’s right for me.
That's something I don't even think about. My wife had better not die before I do. We've already put in our reservations to go together in bed at the age of one hundred.
Stick with your intentions.
The sentiment from our "culture" certainly pushes that spouses make us happy. We hear it when we're single ("when are you going to get married?"), and we hear it when we're widowed or divorced ("when will you get married again?"). You're spot on, sister… we are enough just ourselves. We don't need any other person to make us 'whole.' I wonder if the same message applies to other aspects of our lives: you'll only be happy when you're skinny, rich, have your nose fixed…